Life and Death Reasons to Fist Fight OR Why My Kids Woke Me Up Early Today

**Due to over-the-shoulder-editing by one of my kids, I will refer to them in NO
PARTICULAR ORDER as Kid A, Kid 2, PITA, Brat and HeyYou. That way no one
will be able to identify which one irritated the crap out of me most today and Kid
A will get over his complex of having people know stuff about him.***

So I went to bed around 3am after staying up late with my hubby watching a really
lame movie (View From the Top with Gwyneth Paltrow, Christina Applegate,
Candace Bergin, Mark Ruffalo and a cross-eyed Mike Myer.) I got up around 9 to go
to the bathroom and was overjoyed to find the whole house still asleep. Happy, happy,
joy, joy! in the immortal words of Ren and Stimpy. For a brief second, Responsible Me
thought, "Hmmmm. Now would be a good time to get up and hit the vegetable market
with no one to whine "buy me some cookies while you're out" or "can I come????" or
"It's myyyyyyyyyy turn! You alwayyyyyyyyyyyss take PITA with you!" ResponsibleMe
also thought, "you can beat the scorching humid heat, too, if you go now." But then
SelfishNeverPassUpTwoMoreMinutesOfSnoozeTimeMe said, "EFFF THAT! Get your
arse back in bed!" And I did.

An hour and a half later, I heard a body slam against my bedroom door and PITA comes
flying in with a stuffed Clifford the Big Red Dog toy in hand and Kid A hot on his heels,
shrieking. PITA took a running leap across the footboard and bounced off my left ankle,
causing me to sit up in bed and yell, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING????!!!" Hubby
faked like he didn't hear anything and rolled over because...well, that's what husbands do,
isn't it?

Kid A started screaming, "HE TOOK MY CLIFFORD! It's MINE, I tell you. Baba bought it
for ME! And he TOOK IT right outta my hands!" PITA countered with, "THAT'S A LIE! I
had it first and HEEEE is not sharing with me!" After a few more exchanges like these and
decorated with various insults and bad words, I finally yelled, "GET OUTTA HERE YOU
FIGHTING FREAKS! One more fight over that stupid toy and I'll rip the stuffing out of it
and throw the shell away after burning it!" This, of course, was followed by screams and
wails of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Exit fighting boys.

Twenty minutes later, I heard another body slam against the door which then slammed
against the wall. Only this time PITA was chasing KidA and both were shouting insults
and bad words at one another and threatening to kill the other. HeyYou came in just as
I closed my eyes and asked for strength. KidA and PITA ran back out to finish brutalizing
one another in a different room. HeyYou climbed up between Hubby and me and I
smacked him on the back of the neck and said, "Look, if you're gonna tease your brother
go get the ass-kickin' you deserve and stay outta my bed!" He cried. It was then I realized
that I truly AM blind as a dingbat without my glasses. Poor HeyYou! He didn't do anything
to deserve that. So I let him cuddle with me and I apologized for smackin' him and then
excused myself to go beat the hell outta his brothers. I took the Clifford toy away from
whichever of the two had it (remember, I couldn't see still, no glasses) and hid it far away
from both of them. (Only HeyYou saw where it went and was sworn to secrecy!)

Then I realized no more sleep for me and both Brat and Kid 2 were on the couch watching
cartoons and waiting for breakfast. So, I got up, made breakfast, returned the toy 9mm
plastic gun with suction cup arrow-type bullets to HeyYou (he'd had that taken away from
him because he kept shooting the tv screen with it, as well as, PITA used the same gun to
shoot KidA in the face when KidA refused to give him a quarter they were fighting over.)
I am in search of vitamins that bring on maturity in teenagers. If anyone has any idea if
Flintstones makes a chewable vitamin that makes teens act their age and wards off tantrums
the likes of which would make 2-year olds shudder, PLEASE e-mail me fast! or leave me
the info in the comments block! Thanks!

Happiness is Regularity

There are a lot of people in the world who measure happiness
by their financial successes. That may mean money or a powerful
and good-paying job or how many cars they have or how big their
houses are, etc. There are some not-so-materialistic folk who
measure happiness by the size of their families and how much love
they share. Personally, I'm with a third group of people who thinks
both of the first two groups are nuts. Happiness is found in regularity.

I pray regularly. I eat regularly. And when I poop regularly, you can
actually SEE the little cartoon birds chirping around my head as I
smile and sing through the daily "regularity" of my life. Pooping is
nature's way of helping you start anew each day. People who have
regular BMP (bowel movement patterns) are less likely to abuse
children and old people, less likely to suffer from road rage, and are
capable of more than a mere 35 minutes of shopping in the toy section
at Target on Black Friday before having an electonic-talking-doll-
shortage-induced-brawl with a housewife from Saginaw, TX who
drove all the way in to shop in Dallas-proper because she'd heard that
Dallas girls were wussies!

You NEVER see regular women plotting the deaths of their teenage
daughter's stiffest competition for cheerleading captain or bludgeoning
someone to death with the receiver of a pay phone for wearing white
shoes after Labor Day (like Kathleen Turner's role in Serial Mom...
I LOVED that movie!)

When I poop regularly, my family is happy. I get constipated and life
with me is miserable. So here are some suggestions to keep life with
Mother pleasant:
1. Do NOT knock on the bathroom door and ask the whereabouts of
your shoes, socks, backpack, cellphone or ask how much longer I'll
be. Considering my schedule and your inability to find anything not
attached to your shoulders without a compass and a roadmap, I'll
probably be out momentarily and if you knock again you may be
beaten senseless with a toilet brush.

2. When Mom says, "I need to use the bathroom," Do NOT race in
ahead of her, lock the door, and yell, "I won't be long!" This could be
detrimental, not only to her probably already impacted bowels, but
to your ability to chew solid foods without the aid of a blender and
a straw.

3. If Mom asks for a cup of coffee in the morning, GET IT FOR HER.
And make it per her specifications. Moms don't usually ask for stuff
unless they need help. So, if she's asking, she's needing. And if it's
coffee she's asking for- then get it double time. She's probably in need
of a good kick-start. It may be that her head is still cloudy and unfocused
even after a good solid 3.76 hours of much needed beauty sleep that she
got after a full day of housework, homework, chauffering kids 1-5 to
whatever the hell extra-curricular was scheduled at the same time as
ballet the day before. Then again, it MAY be that she was too busy to
poop yesterday and if she doesn't get the caffeine boost for the daily
cleanse, someone's head is going to roll....LITERALLY.

SO GO GET ME THAT DAMN CUP OF COFFEE AND GET IT NOW! I
HAVE THE COMBINATION TO THE GUN-SAFE AND I'M NOT AFRAID
TO USE IT!