Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Happiness is Regularity

There are a lot of people in the world who measure happiness
by their financial successes. That may mean money or a powerful
and good-paying job or how many cars they have or how big their
houses are, etc. There are some not-so-materialistic folk who
measure happiness by the size of their families and how much love
they share. Personally, I'm with a third group of people who thinks
both of the first two groups are nuts. Happiness is found in regularity.

I pray regularly. I eat regularly. And when I poop regularly, you can
actually SEE the little cartoon birds chirping around my head as I
smile and sing through the daily "regularity" of my life. Pooping is
nature's way of helping you start anew each day. People who have
regular BMP (bowel movement patterns) are less likely to abuse
children and old people, less likely to suffer from road rage, and are
capable of more than a mere 35 minutes of shopping in the toy section
at Target on Black Friday before having an electonic-talking-doll-
shortage-induced-brawl with a housewife from Saginaw, TX who
drove all the way in to shop in Dallas-proper because she'd heard that
Dallas girls were wussies!

You NEVER see regular women plotting the deaths of their teenage
daughter's stiffest competition for cheerleading captain or bludgeoning
someone to death with the receiver of a pay phone for wearing white
shoes after Labor Day (like Kathleen Turner's role in Serial Mom...
I LOVED that movie!)

When I poop regularly, my family is happy. I get constipated and life
with me is miserable. So here are some suggestions to keep life with
Mother pleasant:
1. Do NOT knock on the bathroom door and ask the whereabouts of
your shoes, socks, backpack, cellphone or ask how much longer I'll
be. Considering my schedule and your inability to find anything not
attached to your shoulders without a compass and a roadmap, I'll
probably be out momentarily and if you knock again you may be
beaten senseless with a toilet brush.

2. When Mom says, "I need to use the bathroom," Do NOT race in
ahead of her, lock the door, and yell, "I won't be long!" This could be
detrimental, not only to her probably already impacted bowels, but
to your ability to chew solid foods without the aid of a blender and
a straw.

3. If Mom asks for a cup of coffee in the morning, GET IT FOR HER.
And make it per her specifications. Moms don't usually ask for stuff
unless they need help. So, if she's asking, she's needing. And if it's
coffee she's asking for- then get it double time. She's probably in need
of a good kick-start. It may be that her head is still cloudy and unfocused
even after a good solid 3.76 hours of much needed beauty sleep that she
got after a full day of housework, homework, chauffering kids 1-5 to
whatever the hell extra-curricular was scheduled at the same time as
ballet the day before. Then again, it MAY be that she was too busy to
poop yesterday and if she doesn't get the caffeine boost for the daily
cleanse, someone's head is going to roll....LITERALLY.



Monika said...

Hilarious, Nik! Speaking as someone who has not had a BM without an audience in 5 years, I totally appreciate this post. Luckily, my toddler sized audience members usually have encouraging and helpful things to say like, "Good job, Mama!" or "Ewwww, stinky!" They both have learned to answer random complaints of physical discomfort with the suggestion that the afflicted person visit the potty. So don't tell my kids you have a headache or a stomach ache unless you want to hear, "Do you need to poop? Get a book and go try."

Shannan said...

I love this Nikki, particularly the 3.76 hours of sleep!