Friday, October 31, 2008

Bi-Partisan Special on "Dancing with the Stars"

Okay, so NOT REALLY but you HAVE to admit that this
photo is an absolute scream! Couple this image with Alec
Baldwin's reference to the Republican candidates as the
"Mc Bush-Bible Spice" ticket while he was on Letterman
the other night and we have a winner in the FUNNY dept.
****Note to all my right-winger relatives: I WILL delete
any nasty comments about my political views, to which I
believe I'm entitled whether I'm a liberal or not!****
So, Monika and Shauna will both be relieved that I'm an
Obama supporter. My mom, dad, Denise, probably ALL
aunts on both sides of the family and ALL cousins at least
from the maternal side will don their black armbands and perhaps burn me AND Barack in effigy.
And that's okay, too. I'm okay with that. I was sooooooo
not thrilled with the Bush (the elder) /Clinton choice that I
voted for Ross Perot and I think my mom blamed me person ally for splitting the Republican vote. Oh, well.
My uncle Sid said that he would consider ME for president as a write-in candidate. I thanked him
for his support but told him that I'd have to respectfully decline the position. For several reasons
I would NOT be elected president.
1. Unlike Barack Obama, I actually AM a Muslim. So due to our lovely press in the US, they'd translate this to mean that I am a terrorist and would SOMEHOW find some sort of link between
my career as a SAHM and Al-Qaeda.
2. I could not be elected as president as I have a tendency to NOT spend money that I don't have. I don't really like buying on credit. It's just too easy to dig yourself a hole that you cannot
climb out of. (Just ask any of those million people who've had their homes foreclosed upon in the last year..."Pardon me, Ed McMahon.....if you had to do it all over again, would you have PAID for your house in cash or perhaps lived WITHIN your means?") I once lost a house to foreclosure
years before anyone knew this fiasco was happening.......could no longer afford the house, tried to sell but the market was saturated with old homes for sale and new homes kept getting built faster and bigger and more bionic? that it was a buyers market and all along the banks were approving more and more loans that they know people can't pay back. (And that was during Clinton's Administration!)
Been there, done that, don't want the t-shirt. I would as president provide tax incentives to first-time home buyers who PAY CASH for
their homes.
3. Another reason I'd probably never be elected as president is because I would boot all of the MEN off of the ways and means committees and any committee having to do with budget balancing. ONLY women congresspersons (or at least a majority of them would be women) who
have shown proof that they can balance their own checkbooks for at least one year, use coupons wisely to save on groceries in their own home (not just use coupons but actually use coupons for stuff they'd NORMALLY buy) and demonstrate that they can effectively renegotiate a loan via
telephone in front of ME. Anyone who leaves these tasks up to an accountant would immediately be removed from any budgetary policy decision-making jobs and be required to take a remedial
math course at the local community college of his/her choice at his/her OWN expense!
4. My foreign policies would walk hand-in-hand with my domestic policies. All funds currently being shipped overseas as "foreign aid" that are NOT actually for humanitarian efforts (we'll address those later) would be cut off immediately. This means that all this B.S. money that we've been shelling out for decades to countries like Israel, Egypt, Jordan, and more in an effort to get them to "play nice" with one another would be immediately redirected to build new homeless shelters in each state with at least 3 more dedicated to the District of Columbia. (I am AIPAC's
worst nightmare!)
Each shelter would be staffed with 1 full-time medical doctor and 1 full-time psychiatrist. (These positions would be MANDATORY 90-day rotations for 3rd year residents at all teaching hospitals.) Each shelter would have 1 full-time lawyer dedicated to helping the homeless with any
legal issues they may encounter, such as social security benefits, divorce, bankruptcy, military benefits, etc. The lawyers would also be doing 90-day rotations out of the larger law firms around the cities and work would be billed at the firm as pro bono.
The 1.7 million spent daily on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, after I pull our military out of
both countries and allow these countries to get their own STUFF together, would be used to im-
prove the daily lives of our military that they so desperately need AND deserve. Their pay would be increased to put them at least above the poverty level so that the military wives do not have to spend hours on line to collect the food stamps that help them and their families to make it through the month to their next meager pay day! Yes, it's true. Those people defending your
country and fighting our (and others') wars aren't even making enough money per month to feed
their kids a lot of the time. It's amazing what most civilians don't know about military life!
There are a ton of foreign/domestic policies that I'd create, change or CAN altogether.
The Ann Coulters of the world are not ready for me. My dad and all of his FOX NEWS viewing companions would SOOOOOOOOO vote against me. Oh, yeah.
And these are just SOME of the reasons I'd never be elected and so I forego the waste of
time of campaigning! Go Barack.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Genes Show Through

There has been an unspoken tradition on my dad's side of the family for
several generations...the women all cut their hair short once they reach
40. (With the exception of my cousin, Jeanne, who waited until she turned
50...I think.) At any rate, I've never been one to follow trends as I prefer to
set them. So, I figured when I hit the big 4- OH! that I'd just keep my hair
as is....constantly dyed to hide my true age and long so my husband doesn't
flip out.

**sidenote: WHAT the hell is it with men that they can't stand when we cut our
hair short? True, there are some men who totally dig short-haired chicks but
I think the majority of men prefer some sort of mane to grab hold of on their
women. Must date back to the cave-men days. I digress.**

Anyway, Mohamed left for Greece last week and I happened to bop over to the
hair salon to have my friend, Sherine, trim up the edges and cut me some bangs.
She took one look at my hair and asked if I'm losing hair in my comb. I commented
that by the end of the week I can usually pull about a wig's worth out of the bath
drain. She just shook her head and said, "I'm very sorry. But I can't fix it except like
this." And she hacked off my hair. It's just to the top of my shoulders. ZOIKS!
Sooooooooooo glad Mohamed will be gone for the next 3 months so as not to give
me grief about my short yucky hair. I mean, it's not bad....but really. I'm limited as
to what I can do with it. Thank God I'm Muslima. I cover my hair up with a scarf in
public anyway for religious reasons. Now I've a secondary reason to cover it....I look
quite boyish and roundish-of-face. *sigh*

After I got home that night and started to attempt to style my newly acquired (yet
not requested) coiff....I realized that perhaps the Nicholas Hair Hacking at 40 thing
isn't in fact a tradition but a genetic trait. I didn't intentionally do this. But it happened. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. My Nicholas genes are showing through.
Happy BALD Birthday, Baby!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Isn't this photo a scream? Definitely a good image to
show the little trick-or-treaters the ill effects of alcohol. HAHAHHAA! And since I LOVE Halloween
as well as a good laugh, I thought I'd share.
Mohamed left for Greece last night so we're adjusting schedules and bedtimes and menus. Today the kids got Ramen Noodles for lunch and a potato and onion omelette for dinner! Right on. Not much meal planning going on around here. WOOOOHOOOOOO!
I do miss him terribly and so do the kids. But he'll be back home before we know it.
OH! An important announcement before I forget:
There are 15 more shopping days left until my birthday! I like BIG diamonds, BIG cars, and COLD HARD CASH!!! Send your presents early and avoid the rush at the post office. Really, I'd be happy with an e-mail and wishes for an early bedtime. (Dear LORD! I truly AM old.)
I'll be adding some more "re-runs" to this blog soon as I find the time. I still have to make dinner, hang clothes on the line and dye my hair dark brown to cover this gray.
(This way, Monika can't say I have "fake-looking" red hair anymore.)
Now, off you go to buy me lavicious and expensive gifts!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Re-runs (0ct 9, 2007) The Wedgie Fascination

Note: I'm beginning a short series of 're-runs' of blogs that I'd previously posted on
myspace. I decided that I don't like myspace so much and decided to move my stuff here.
I've dated the re-runs with their original composition dates so as not to confuse my adoring
fans with incorrect dates and ages, etc. Please feel free to comment on the hilarity of me and
what a great writer I am....or not. Just please don't spam me to death with ads for sexual
enhancement medicaments. PLEASE!!!! Thanks in advance. Here goes:

Since the beginning of man wearing underwear with separate leg-holes, the males of our species have been fascinated with the wedgie. Cotton fabric being jammed as tightly and highly up one's hind region as is allowable by physics, is viewed as a source of pride among wedgie-givers worldwide. Although the practice, seemingly, tends to have been perfected in the United States, wedgie giving is alleged to date all the way back to a rather moody Japanese tailor, who one day just snapped as a result of having to look at yet another naked behind of the national Sumo wrestling team. Legend has it that he jerked the fabric so tightly into the wrestlers crack, that he went on to be the world champion by accidentally winning 10 of 10 matches when he was, in truth, only trying to uncrank the cloth from his colon. Since that time, the wedgie has travelled from continent to continent and has developed into the "Super Wedgie", "Hanging Wedgie" and the ever-feared "Atomic Wedgie." This six-letter word can bring even a 30-year old computer geek from Microsoft to tears, as it triggers dreaded memories of high school nightmares gone by.
And my sons, ages 6, 9 and 12, carry on the legend of the wedgie behind me as I type this right now. The Japanese tailor would be so proud.

P.S. (3 oct 2008) I just thought of one of my all time favorite wedgie scenes in movies....It would
have to be in that movie with Steve Martin, Queen Latifah and Jean Smart where Queen Latifah gives Steve Martin's sister-in-law a serious thrashing in the women's room at the country club and then hangs her up by her one-piece bathing suit on the doorstop on the upper corner of the changing room door. Definitely a wedgie worth respecting.