Thursday, January 1, 2009

Death Warmed Up

I know that I am not the first, nor will I be the last woman to ask this question. Why is it that when MEN get sick, the world stops turning and when we get sick, it's "Suck it up. It's just a cold."?????!!!!!


Men are given their usual 8-10 hours of sleep, cold meds served with a glass of water, a hot cup of lemon tea, citrus fruits and homemade chicken soup, and various loving gestures, like a kiss on the forehead to see if the temperature has gone down, etc. All this love and concern is usually followed by several 2 or 3 hour naps throughout the day. The dutiful wife endures the illness and caters to his needs and whims, all the while, carrying out her usual job requirements of 'EVERYTHING ELSE' in the household (e.g., getting up bleary-eyed after 2 and half full hours of restless sleep because of sick man-child in her bed coughing and tossing and turning and yanking the blankets off of her all night, getting 4 of the 5 children up and dressed for school while dressing herself and fixing ponytails and pulling the teenager and the tweenager off of one another in an effort to keep their noise levels and swearing from waking the man-child, aka their father, and the also sick autistic 12-year old who just went to sleep 2 hours prior to the alarm clock going off, walking the kids to two different schools, racing to the local bread ovens to buy fresh bread, walking the mile back home as quickly as possible to keep from burning her arms with hot bread, collapsing into bed only to have to immediately get up and answer the door and take a message from man-child's idiot cousin who finds it necessary to blather on for 15 minutes about how important it is for man-child to receive this message, eventually shuts the door and crawl back into bed for all of 15 minutes before the phone rings and it's a wrong number, FINALLY gets about 2 hours of sleep before the autistic 12-year old wakes up and decides she wants to play computer and crack up laughing while she watches YouTube'd episodes of Tom and Jerry...oh,yeah, did I mention the computer is in the parents' bedroom?...the alarm sounds off at 12:30pm and she drags herself out of bed again to dress and dress the sick, autistic 12-year old who keeps clearing her sore throat and screaming in a broken voice, 'MY SQUEAKER'S BROKE!" then racing down to the open air market to buy fresh chicken and vegetables to make soup for the sick masses and drops her beautiful red, Italian leather purse right in the mud, drags the kid back home and tosses the groceries onto the counter, busies the now pissed off, sick, autistic 12-year old with broken squeaker in front of the tv with remote in hand and a juice box in the other, races back down the stairs to the school to pick up 3 of the4 kids (one has an afternoon math tutoring session) brings them home, finishes plucking the chicken because the poultry guy did a half-ass job, throws the chicken back in the collander in the sink, leaves the 13-yr old in charge of everyone, races back to the school to get the 10-yr old and brings him home, finishes the soup and the rice and the chicken, serves the family dinner and THEN man-child decides that it's a waste of electricity to run the deep freezer with only one package of meat in it and unplugs it, to which wife replies, 'Hey, that's going to defrost all over the place and ruin the rug in that room and I don't have time to wash the 9 towels it'll take to soak up all the water damage,' so man-child drags the deep freezer into the bathroom so that the already lousy-aiming boys will now have to straddle the toilet in order to hit their target and announces, 'It can defrost in here. What's the big deal?', makes a phone call and dashes out the door to help his brother fix a closet that his nieces broke and leaves one of the nieces with the already wound up ornery 5 kids he helped to procreate and then has the audacity to ask the wife, who has now contracted his bitchin' cold due to his much-needed booty call right after the sick autistic 12-yr old finally went to sleep, and REALLY needs to go to bed but instead is stuck in the now-flooded bathroom cleaning a deep freezer, "Why are you so upset?!"
Maybe I should look into mail-ordering that damn Taser!!!!


Monika said...

I love the "broken squeaker"...I forgot all about that line. Tell Randa that her Aunt Beep has a broken squeaker too. And so does Cousin Liam. We are both sick as dogs, but so far Ben and Molly are okay. Ben is getting a big time award for best husband of the year....he has been taking the kids out to let me rest and even went out and got me a burrito and a smoothie yesterday because I felt too sick to make breakfast. He rocks!

Monika said...

P.S. Take off the flippin' "word verification". It only works half the time and the other half it says I typed the wrong word when I KNOW I didn't. It is a pain in the ass and not really necessary, especially if you want people to comment.