Well, I have to start my "how long since my last fist fight" count AGAIN! Yes, it happened yesterday. DAMMITMAN! I was doing soooo well, too. I hadn't hit anybody in more than 5 years. And then some dumb woman had to go and hit my kid! Well, I don't think anyone blames me....at least not anyone I give a hoot about, anyway.
So, I was walking Ismail to school and trying to calm him down. He had a Science mid-year exam yesterday and he was extremely anxious about it. We got to the gate and this woman was blocking the entrance. She started yelling at me and screaming that Ismail is a bully and he's always beating up her son who is skinny and short and a sweet, loving boy. I didn't even know which of the usual 8 kids Ismail fights with on a daily basis belonged to her so I just said, "Look, this isn't the time. Ismail, you go on inside and take your science test..." Just then Demon-Woman screams in my son's face, "YOU WILL NOT GO INSIDE! YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME!" Then she slammed both of her palms as hard as she could into his chest and knocked him backwards. I looked at him for a split second to see that he was okay and saw the fear on his face and lost it. I grabbed her by her blouse and slammed her into the iron gate of the school and told her, "You EVER put your hands on my son again, I swear to God I will break your nose." That's when she hit me in the nose and grabbed my glasses (breaking the arm off of them.) And I think my next words were something like, "Oh, no you didn't, Bitch!" which of course, was in English as opposed to the Arabic exchange before. At any rate, I couldn't "lead with my left" like my dad always tells me to do (it catches people off guard) because Demon-Woman had already started clawing at the left side of my head, ripping my scarf off and eventually hooking her left fingers into my watch band and broke it. (By the way, Denise, remember that beautiful Gucci watch you bought me about 23 years ago that I love because it's a timeless fashion piece that still works after all these years? Well, Demon-Woman broke it off my arm and then someone in the crowd found it and stole it.) So, I gave her a good right jab in the face and she fell back and I fell on top of her. A well-meaning acquaintance of mine grabbed my right arm in an attempt to break up the fight, not knowing my left arm was pinned under Demon-Woman. So, Demon-Woman had a full 30 seconds of free-for-all clawing fun on my face, where she managed to shred the skin under both eyes, dig her nails deeply into my cheeks and rip off about a 4 cm hunk of skin that also included part of my upper lip. Then she made a terrible mistake. She stuck her
hand inside my mouth and start shredding the inside of my lips. You know how the Colgate (TM) commercials show how strong your teeth are when you brush at least twice daily with their toothpaste? Well, it's true. Demon-Woman can probably verify
it. Since both my arms were trapped and I was completely incapable of getting up and/or defending myself, I did the only thing I could do. I chomped down on her pinky finger and clamped until I heard bone crunching. Then I immediately let go because I got soooooooo grossed out (all in a flash) at the thought of breaking someone's finger with my teeth. At that instant, Souhaila's mother gave me just enough slack in my right arm that I could elbow her in the chest and make her let go. Then Demon-Woman got 3 more jabs in the mouth and she rolled off of my left arm so that I could get up and stop fighting.
Of course, when I got up my glasses were nowhere to be found...at least not by this blind lunatic....and I realized my scarf was completely off my head which is totally immodest as a Muslima (yeah, like I could REALLY care at this point since I was just brawling in the street like a hooligan) and I tried to spot the scarf but realized I CAN'T FRIGGIN' SEE!!!! Then I reached up and touched my now "on fire" face and saw the blood on my hands from her artwork and I just got pissed off all over again. I looked over to my right and saw Demon-Woman trying to pull her scarf from over her face where it had risen up in the front. And I did a really bad thing. I backhanded the dog-snot out of her. I know. It was a cheap shot. But I was so mad at her for even starting all of this when all she had to do in the beginning was let the boy in to take his exams and talk to me about the problem. Anyway, her "innocent, well-behaved boy" was transferred by his parents from another school due to bullying problems last year by ALL the boys in his class. She complained that ALL the boys in THIS class were beating him up this year and especially Ismail. She also said that her son is late coming home from school everyday because Ismail beats him up en route and so the boy takes a really long way home to avoid Ismail. That's when I told her that her son was basically full of shit and she was an idiot to believe him. And ALL the other mothers vouched for me. In the 4 years that Ismail has gone to this school he has NEVER EVER been allowed to walk to or from school by himself. I walk all of my kids to school every day and I walk them home from school every day. I asked her if the thought had entered her brain that since the problems followed him from the other school to this school that maybe her son was the problem and NOT alllll of the kids in two entire schools.
I know her kid (I just didn't know she was his mother because she only shows up about once every month or so.) He is a foul-mouthed pain in the butt. He calls Ismail "son of ....(pick whatever insult)...." daily and has grabbed his crotch in the past. Ismail tells the teacher when he can but on "grab a dude's crotch day" he opted to just skip the middle step and kick the kid's ass. I don't blame him. I'd have done the same (obviously.) At any rate, Demon-Woman kept yelling that she was going to swear out a police complaint against me (apparently I'd knocked her two front teeth loose) and I offered to pay the cab fare for her. Then I added unintentional truthful insult to injury when I informed her that the Egyptian govt is very protective of foreigners over their own. This is the truth. If she swore out a complaint against me, all I'd have to do is flash my American passport and sit in a chair with my legs crossed drinking tea while the cops beat the hell out of her and possibly detain her until I insist that I was not going to press charges against her. Several of the women there told me that I should press charges against her since she attacked my child and me, broke my 350 EgyptianPounds glasses and broke and caused the loss of a watch that cost around 200 USD more than 20 years ago. Just those damages alone would cost her 2 months in jail. But I am not the brute that my physicality makes me out to be.
No matter how stupid, rude, or hateful this woman is....she is still a mother. And I will not be responsible for her kid (no matter how big a pain in the ass he is) to go to sleep crying because his mom isn't there at the end of the day. THAT is uncool.
Besides, I think I beat the damages out of her and my scratches will heal.
And now the principal calls me Um Mohamed Ali.