Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Confronting Asshats in Public...

My sister, Monika, directed me to a blog on here called Mom101 where this woman
tells how another woman directed her two little girls to leave their half-eaten hot dogs, foil
wrappers and dirty napkins in the middle of the aisle in the Target in Brooklyn. She went
on to say all the clever things that she WANTED to say and actions she WANTED to do
but then didn't. While I appreciate her justified outrage over the mother's irresponsible,
pig-like and uncivilized behavior, I am a little saddened that she didn't go one more step
toward crazy. I have taken this step and believe me, it feels GOOD!

About 7 years ago, we lived in a townhouse in Maryland. One of the neighbors across the
street from us consistently walked his dog on our front lawn and at least twice weekly
left us a big pile of dog poop on the grass near our walk leading from the front door to the
sidewalk. Dude had to have walked up our front sidewalk and stood no more than 10 feet
from my front door in order for his dog to do his business. I caught him twice and yelled out
the door for him to pick up the other half of his dog and he just shrugged his shoulders and
walked away. The second time I swore to him that I'd get even!

Well, since I had just had my 5th baby about the time of this neighbor's THIRD offense of
irresponsible dog-walking, I decided that I'd have to go on a stake-out. I made my oldest son
look out the window and tell me when the Doggie-Do-Dude came to our lawn. He yelled, "Mommy, the man with the dog is back." And I came a-running. Since the windows were
open, the guy heard and started to leave at a quick pace. I squatted and peeked out the
window to see exactly which townhouse he went into and then grabbed up the 6 month
old baby who had fortunately just completed his daily constitutional and changed his diaper.
(Yes, I am fast....after 5 kids, I could win in any diaper-changing event in the MOTY olympic
games!) I grabbed the poopy pamper and raced out the door, ran across the street and up
into their front lawn and opened said pamper dumping it's contents onto his lawn, closed up
the diaper and turned to walk back home. His wife threw the door open and yelled, "What
the hell do you think you're doing?!"

And I looked at her and shrugged and said, "I don't have a dog but I've got 5 kids....three of
which are in diapers. You keep your shit to yourselves and I'll keep my shit to myself!"
They started walking their dog on their own side of the street!


Moni Moni Queen of Bologna said...

I love the word "asshats"...and I especially love that you had big enough balls to pull that off. We have a neighborhood culprit who walks their gianormous dog through the neighborhood and let it crap in our yards and in the neighborhood islands (which we all work to maintain). You and I are so similar.....I actually suggested letting all of our kids from this end of the street go squat in their yard. We didn't do it, but it would have worked, I bet.

nikkimohamed said...

I actually do not have balls. I have gianormous OVARIES!

The only thing that prevented me from letting the kids pop a squat in front of their house was that it would set a really bad precedent. (Also I took the then empty diaper home and trashed it. If I'd just tossed the diaper, it would have been illegal!)
See, I learned from Dad's army days
memorizing regs in the can: As long as you're within the boundaries of the regulations, you can pretty much get away with anything.