Monday, March 2, 2009

Steven Seagal...Hot Martial Artist? Or Fat Dude Caught in a Neverending Mid-Life Crisis?



I saw an ad for yet ANOTHER Steven Seagal movie on the Action channel
on satellite tv last night. YAWN. I've questioned the popularity of this guy
among men (I know ZERO chicks that dig this clown) and I couldn't figure
out why he's still making movies after all these years. I mean, sure, back in
1990 he was okay in Hard to Kill but then came Out for Justice and then Under Siege. I realized back then that aside from a name change and maybe
a little scenery and verbage, Steven Seagal is making the same movie over and over and over. Why even name the characters? Why not some new movie ideas without naming the players? Here are some suggestions:
Island Icer
Fat dude with ponytail and one raised eyebrow in a leather jacket kicks the
crap out of nameless villain with uzi and hawaiian print shirt fetish on a
Carribean island vacation resort.

Nut Cracking Nightshift
Fat dude with ponytail and one raised eyebrow in a night guardsman's uniform
beats the snot out of some would-be burglars in all black catsuits at a Planter's
Peanut Warehouse somewhere in Georgia.

and maybe a love story:

Guarding Gilda
Fat dude with ponytail and one raised eyebrow in a brown pinstriped suit, hired
as bodyguard to Gilda Glockensphincter, world renowned porn star, uses various
kitchen utensils to completely thrash 4 eastern-European attempted
kidnappers who somehow end up in the studio cafeteria while looking to score
some "easy ransom money" in Cleveland.

None of these film ideas cannot possibly be as lame as some of the crap he's
already starred in AND produced AND directed AND written.........oh, yeah!
He's his own biggest fan....check out his filmography on IMDB ( http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000219/ ) ! .....THAT explains so much
to the women of the world as to why our men can watch this aging talentless
hack. HE promotes himself. I wonder if he's his own agent, too? THAT would
certainly save 15% of all pay, wouldn't it?

Steve, for crying out loud, cut that damn ponytail off, retire and move to Florida.
Everyone else your age has.

3 comments:

Monika said...

Totally with you on this one. Not. Hot. Not even back in the early years of pony tail and raised eyebrow.

nikkimohamed said...

THANK GOD....someone with common sense. I mean, I've never considered Chuck Norris hot either...but I can respect him. He at least kicked ass AND began playing himself once he got too old to be a credible ass-kicker.
Case in point, his role in the movie DODGEBALL....definitely believable!

Monika said...

Loved Dodgeball too....that movie had some great quotable lines.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Dad & Nana are coming in tomorrow. Jason has his state Mock Trial competition so they are going to attend and meet Thomas too. Wish you were here too. Love you.